Never, Ever, Never Ever Ever Never

...ever carpool with your Quality department on a Friday. Never.

Cheese Doodle

You know you like them.

"Just two fingers"

My sister was flying from Hawaii to Norway -- you know, you're typical flight -- and had a 13 hour layover in Atlanta. I picked her up from the airport and we went to the new Georgia Aquarium, the largest aquarium in the world.

After pushing a few kids aside, we got to touch cownose rays (slimy), bonnethead sharks (rubbery), starfish (squishy), and shrimp (they felt like shrimp).

But my favorite part of the aquarium was going through the "Ocean Voyager" exhibit -- home to whale sharks and tens of thousands of other species of fish, all living happily (or at least I hope so) in 6 million gallons of water. The exhibit consisted of a cool acrylic underwater tunnel, as well as a massive viewing window 23ft x 61ft large for prime fish watching. If it wasn't so crowded, I could have sat in front of that window for hours.

You can see pictures from our underwater adventure here.

Lawyers are for sucks

I think I just figured out the secret to lawyers.

I'm pretty sure the bar exam is not about court cases, regulations, or laws. It's about Shakespearean writing and how well you can read olde English. Because if you're the best at it, you can confuse all of the other idiots around you. And that means making a lot of money. I was recently sent a Warranty Deed from my relocation company:

To have and to hold the said tract of parcel of land, with all and singular the rights, members and appurtenances thereof, to the same being, belonging, or in anywise appertaining, to the only proper use, benefit and behoove of the said Grantee forever in fee simple.

Now, I'm supposed to sign my name below this--as if I actually comprehended more than 3 words. As far as I know, I may be signing off on donating my kidney to the local science museum. Or perhaps I'm unknowingly enslaving myself to work at Affordable Dentures for the rest of my life. Good thing I'm one of the many idiots, or else I might actually be worried.

Scatter Brain

...while driving home from work today, I realized I left my cell phone on my desk. I was about 8 miles away, and considered for a brief moment turning around and going back. But then I decided that I'm not that popular. The sad thing is that I feel really out of touch right now...

...my NCAA bracket is about as accurate as the "intelligence" findings of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq...

...no future residence was purchased during my recent trip up to Minneapolis. The home buying process is exhausting...

...I received the sketchiest piece of junk mail yesterday. It was a Jesus-face prayer mat, saying that if I knelt on it and prayed, marked on the included sheet what issues I wanted people to pray for on my behalf, and sent the prayer mat and a donation back to them, that my prayers would be answered (examples included receiving $40,000, as well as a new car)...

...I have to give training tomorrow night at 9PM. Something tells me I won't miss plant life...

Sticker Shock

Looking online at houses and condos in Minneapolis is not fun. In case anyone out there gave up money/saving for Lent, I thought I'd throw it out there that I'm accepting any and all donations to the MattO-buy-a-house Fund.

A cool $250,000 would help nicely.

But don't worry, I won't shun any amount. I take personal checks, PayPal, cash, and many other forms of donation. If you want to make it fun, I'm even willing to setup an elaborate plan where I wait in line at a coffee shop, set down my briefcase, and "accidentally" pick-up one that happens to look just like it. Just let me know. I'm willing to work with you.

Relo Mania

So I've officially started the relo game and met with a Realtor and an appraiser today. The goal is to start showing people my place this weekend. So that means I have to live in a spotless, non-messy, sweet-smelling space for the remainder of my time in Hotlanta. Happy happy joy.

I should start a tally of every time I have to sign my name, fax a document, etc.. People could write in and place their bids. You know, give everyone something to root for after March Madness is over.

You boys aren't from 'round here, are ya?

I heard a sentence this morning that prompted me to post:

He sung that song good.

It's not the worst sentence I've ever heard in my life. But, you need to realize, that "good" (a one syllable word) was pronounced more like "guuuuhd" (somewhere in the ballpark of 4 syllables). Perhaps it is just southern dialect that dictates you must draw out your last word until your breath is exhausted? There's no such thing as a truck down here. It's a truuuuuuck.

However, my all-time favorite southern phrase is:

I might could.

As in, "I might could do that", "I might could help you", or "I might could get my truuuuuuck." The first time I heard it, it took me a few seconds to register that I never came across that in Mrs. Campbell's English class. It actually sounded correct when pronounced with a southern accent.

And don't get me wrong--I don't mean to offend anybody from the south. I'm just fascinated. Who knows, maybe I'll miss all of this so much when I'm back north that I'll integrate it into my vocabulary? Dontcha know you betcha I just might could.

Awards

There has been lots of awards talk floating around, and so I thought I'd share my 2 cents and give some awards myself...

• What: The Catcher in the Rye
• Award: A Ham and Cheese Sandwich
• Why: It's not my favorite by any means, but it's not too bad either, while some people think it's the best thing ever.

• What: The Godfather
• Award: A tobacco pipe (and smoking jacket for style)
• Why: A classic. Even though the contents are bad and I wouldn't smoke one, I have to admit I like the smell. I found myself rooting for the Corleone family -- even concerned for them -- although in the end they are still a bunch of mafia guys.

• What: The Terminator
• Award: An Atari 2600
• Why: It was super cool when it came out. So the graphics, music, and design might be a little dated...but it's still really cool.

• What: Michael David Seven Deadly Zins
• Award: A bottle of Michael David Seven Deadly Zins
• Why: I brought it to a party and was an instant hit. We all wanted more. A great red wine that even non-red wine drinkers would probably like.

• What: Barry and Colin's Dinner Party (and the food)
• Award: Ancho Chile Chocolate Flan Brulee
• Why: Both are vegetarian. Both took a lot of creativity and effort. The end result in each were very happy taste buds.

Southern Independence

My sister summarized it perfectly.

• Syttende Mai - the 17th of May -- Norway's independence from southern rule.
• The 16th of May -- My independence from the south.

We theorized that Norway probably won its independence on the 16th, but waited to party till the 17th, thus becoming the recognized day of independence. So it was pretty much predestined for me to leave the south and start anew on the same day as the motherland. I'm so proud to represent.

So what I'm getting at, is that with mixed emotions, I will be moving back to Minneapolis to start in my new role as an SAP Developer on May 16th. I'm pretty sure there will be a parade or something. Looking forward to seeing everyone again.

Dentures, Part 2

I was driving in to work the other day and decided to take the frontage road outside of Affordable Dentures (if you have no idea what I am talking about, click here). With camera in hand, I performed what may be the world's first "Dentures Drive-by". It's not much, but it's a start. View the photo in Flickr to get more of the story.

To be a kid again

I am in the process of making a large (40x56 inch) poster for a presentation, and recently printed out a test copy on our plotter. I was about to throw the test copy away, when I first happened to lay it face-down on my desk. Staring back at me was a big white blank sheet of paper. It was then that I had a mini flashback to the day when I would have loved to have such a treasure. Just think of all the stuff you could draw and color! But instead, it's about 5 seconds away from being recycled. How sad.

Now there's an Iowegian if I ever saw one

Mary and Jerry Nelson are the epitome of Iowa. She plays the organ at church. He's part owner in a family-operated electrical business. There nephew, Mark Parrish, was on the Olympic hockey team and they went over to Torino to cheer him on. Italian blood may be tucked away in their genes somewhere, but to me, they are 100% Iowegian. God bless Ames, Iowa.

The Upside to the Bad Guys

So there are a few hidden upsides to being sick:

1. Putting things into perspective. When all you want is to feel better, your other worries kind of slip away.
   
2. The ability to catch up on reading. I finished Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything. A great book that reminded me that I miss learning and science in general. Apparently humans have the gene for growing tails, it's just not switched on. So there is hope for Jason and his squirrel tail someday. Additionally, "the background rate of extinction on Earth throughout biological history has been one species lost every 4 years on average...human-caused extinction now may be running as much as 120,000 times that level." -- aka, we suck.
3. Watching flicks from Netflix. I watched Mondovino. A great documentary on wine that I think most would enjoy, not just cultured winos.
4. An excuse to stay in on Friday night and catch up on random internet surfing. This actually has proved to be a good thing. I'm a fan of DJ Danger Mouse. If you're not, then go here and get the Grey Album. Anyway, I just found about Gnarles Barkley, a highly anticipated album coming out by DJ Danger Mouse and Cee-Lo in May. I also was fortunate enough to find some of the tracks from that album here and here. Good stuff -- I'm looking forward to the release.
   

Olympians at Heart

Keeping with the Olympic spirit, I thought I should mention an event that rocked the curling world a few years back....

It was the winter of 2002, and the Iowa State University Intramural Curling Championship was on the line. It was swingy ice that night - almost as if the stones had a mind all their own. Hog lines were being burned, vice skips were shouting, and the house was full of thirds sweeping. We had just completed the final end of the match, and the score was tied. You could feel the tension in the air.

It came down to the equivalent of sudden-death face off. Each team had to pick one member to deliver the final hammer of the night. One stone - one throw. The closest to the button wins. Eternal glory awaited.

Steve-J "The Great" Nerison was especially on that night. In fact, he was our secret weapon -- imported straight from the great curling lands of Minnesota. We all agreed to give the final throw to him.

And what a throw it was. Dead straight across the ice. The best throw the entire night. Victory was ours, and The Dietz Machine went down in history as one of the greatest curling teams to ever sweep Iowa State University.

I'm not getting shot at

Bundles of fan mail have been pouring in recently, asking what's up with me not posting for the past few days. The answer to that is I've been sick. I've literally spent most of my time either in bed or eating.

The only benefit to sleeping all day is that I'm not tired at night when The Olympics are on. For some reason I'm a really big fan of the winter games in particular. This year I (and my family) actually have a connection. Mark Parrish of the New York Islanders was chosen to play on the Olympic Ice Hockey team. Mark is a cousin of one of my best childhood friends (Nelson), and I remember playing cards with him back in my Legos building days.

My bro notified me that the Nelsons actually went over to Torino to watch him play. How exciting would that be? I'll have to see if I can get some pictures and post them. Too bad the men's hockey team's podium dreams were recently shot down by Finland...

Wrap it up B!

I was fortunate enough to catch most of Inside the Actor's Studio when Dave Chappelle was the guest, thanks to my condo's handy common room complete with a big screen and cable tv. It was such a good show that I actually wouldn't mind trying to find it online and watch it again.

James Lipton was an excellent host -- he kept the interview serious yet filled with humor. Chappelle seemed at ease, and I think he trusted Lipton by the way he openly talked about his personal history as well as current issues with Hollywood and the reason he went to Africa. The bottom line was that in Africa, the people surrounding Chappelle didn't know about his success at all. He said they simply treated him like a normal person, and that was all he needed.

The Chappelle Show actually taught me something that I try to employ (when possible) when writing my blog entries. Some blogs out there ramble on forever. I don't know if people are overly obsessed with themselves, or if they simply need to document everything and assume people care: "Today we woke up and had eggs for breakfast. Then we walked the dog. Here's a picture of my dog. He's so cute. I made my dog a doggy sweater. He's a picture of the sweater. It's so cute. Then we had lunch. We ate at Applebees, because it's the best. I had the surf and turf. Here's a picture. It was so cute..."

My Chappelle Show-inspired response to these ramblings (and the response you should give me in case I do the same): "Yo, you better wrap it up B!"

Surprised

I surprised Lauren on Valentines Day by bringing her to the Madame Butterfly ballet at the Fox Theatre. I surprised myself after realizing how much I enjoyed it.

Happy Asparatame Day!

I find that the older I get, the more interested in food I become. I don't know if it is a direct result of not being such a picky eater, or if my mind just needs to replace old means of entertainment with new ones. I used to play with Legos, now I eat. Maybe it's that simple? (OK, so I still want to play with Legos. I'm just too cheap to spend $100 on the latest cool set).

With my increased interest in food comes an increased awareness of what I am putting into my body. I find myself paying the whopping extra 20 cents per pound for organic. I also figure if nature created it, it's most likely better for me. That's why I still go for butter over margarine (the "M word", as my Mom likes to call it), sugar over Nutrasweet, and oranges over candy bars.

So I was a little bummed this morning with Yoplait when eating my new Light Thick and Creamy Key Lime Pie yogurt. I noticed mid-bite (or perhaps mid-slurp?) that on the front of the container it advertised Aspartame as an ingredient. Now, I don't know about you, but I've never heard anything good about Aspartame. A quick search yields pages and pages of people arguing for and against the product.

Does it cause brain cancer? Seizures? Migraines? Does it cause people to line up at 7:30 in the morning to wait for dentures?

One of my friends used to suffer from migraines. She tried medicine after medicine and nothing would help. Finally, one day her doctor asked her if she drank diet sodas. She said yes. The doctor told her to cut out all artificial sweeteners. She's been migraine-free ever since.

My point to this rambling? When buying your last minute Valentines Day chocolates, don't go for the "sugar-free/fat-free/zero-calorie" kind. It's chocolate. Go for the healthy stuff -- sugar and fat.

Improv (Everywhere)

Lauren's former co-worker Damian is part of an improv group called Babies Mit Bearden. They were performing at Relapse Theatre in Atlanta this past Saturday night so we decided to go. The style was long-form improvisation. You give them a topic (Joe C. chimed in with "titanium cookware"), and they start acting - everyone involved trying to figure out what each other is doing. It was overall quite entertaining, but did suffer some slow points. Fortunately the lack of heating kept us awake.

The highlight was two guys acting out a scene based on the audience-provided quote, "You can't handle the truth." The scene morphed into two brothers trying to pick out a casket for their 7'9" deceased father, and arguing about the cost and what they should do. One wanted to buy a 4-foot casket and fold the Dad in half ("It's his last sacrifice; he would have wanted it this way."). The other wanted to go with the $8,000 8-foot model, and wanted it so shiny that he considered plating the whole thing with mirrors. I know it sounds a little morbid...but it was hilarious. I guess you just had to be there.

The "(Everywhere)" part of the title is in reference to Lauren and I running into one of the actors the next day at Borders, where I was browsing for a beginner's guide to popular piano songs. I didn't find what I was looking for, but I did find a book so attractive that I had to call it into RingFo to share with y'all.